Goodbye belly roll..

I hate Sham Sanghera. OK, no I don't. But he IS the reason I was hobbling up my work stairs Tuesday morning saying, "Ow. Ow. OK, ow. Unprintable word...OW." Sham, as you may know, is my trainer he's pretty much a genius . On the plus side, being sore like this instantly makes me feel more fit, and a little hardcore. It's like a constant reminder all day long that, yeah--I work out, baby! (Wanna arm wrestle? Hooah!)

My clothes are starting to fit me super loose, my shirts are already a half a size too small, and my waistline is trimming down ever so fast… this is amazing! You know what I'm the most excited about? My Taste buds! Yes that's right! The AWARENESS that I have learned in this short time, I can sense that my body is immensely grateful for what I've changed.  Saturday was a super busy day, after my daughters basketball game we decided to hit up the good ol smorgasbord Hometown buffet, boy was I excited! FINALLY! Food I LOVE!

I planted a huge glob of chili beans,baked chicken, fish and a salad loaded with calories. "Mmmm this is going to be AMAZING," I thought… boy was I in for a surprise, I felt like I had consumed 10 tablespoons of salt, what was happening to me? The back of my tongue felt like it had 1 tablespoon of salt just planted on the back of my tongue, and no matter how much water I drank nothing was making that feeling go away. A part of me was sad for not being able to avoid the food I love, but another part of me rejoiced because my body is making me AWARE of what it needs, what it loves, what I don't need. All in all, the knowledge Shams training has instilled in me in just a few weeks, is making me push harder and look forward to what lays ahead.If I've already made these amazing changes in just a few weeks, imagine what I'm in for! My goal is only that of what my mind,and body will allow me to achieve… finally the two are starting to balance together in harmony, I'm excited!

Hello, my name is Priscilla and I'm a food addict...

Yes, the holidays were a difficult time to stay on track, but now that they're over...I know for sure that what's happening with me is more than a case of too many chocolates,cheesecake,pumpkin pie,carrot cake and home cooking. Since I'm finally able to say it out loud—food and sugar is an addiction, and it's certainly mine—I know there is no cure for it the way there is no cure for alcoholism. 

Addictions aren't cured; they're managed one day at a time. Last year (and I can't pinpoint the exact month, but I could feel it happening especially sometime over the last couple of months) I lost the mindfulness it takes to manage my addiction, and since then, things have been spiraling out of control. I'm finding that I binge because I'm bored… I don't know this place; I've never been here before.

The good news: I have an amazing trainer/life coach that WILL help me achieve my goals and help me with my "addiciton".For the first time in my life, I can say with certainty that I know be in the best shape of my life (and maintain  the weight I want to lose) because I've honestly hit rock bottom, and I'm ready to commit to a lifestyle change. I can do it ! I need emotional support and I need a plan—a food plan, an exercise plan, and support. 

For the past week I've woken up every day determined to start over, to "do better," and every day I have not been able to—I cave to something (like chocolate or a pastry) and then it all goes downhill all over again. But why wouldn't it take a few attempts before I am able to stick to something that demands I give up my biggest comfort: food? Maybe with a little forgiveness for all my failed attempts, self-love will replace self-medicating (with food) the way it started years ago, when I was in the best shape of my life.

One thing I know I need to do soon (as in TODAY! No procrastinating, Priscilla!) is be persistent with my food log, and blog religiously. I will do that, and I will share it with all of you.The other thing I need to do is remind myself that I am more than my body, and I don't need to hide out or feel ashamed because my physical body isn't as "beautiful" as I know it can be. This separation of "I" from "my body" is one of the hardest things for me, since for all my life the mirror has always been the biggest reflection of my self-worth. I read the following "happiness tip" by Eckhart Tolle online this morning, and I swear he wrote this for me

"Equating the physical body with "I," the body that is destined to grow old, wither, and die, always leads to suffering. To refrain from identifying with the body doesn't mean that you no longer care for it. If it is strong, beautiful, or vigorous, you can appreciate those attributes—while they last. You can also improve the body's condition through nutrition and exercise. If you don't equate the body with who you are, when beauty fades, vigor diminishes, or the body becomes incapacitated, this will not affect your sense of worth or identity in any way. In fact, as the body begins to weaken, the light of consciousness can shine more easily."

I TOTALLY needed the reminder: Yes, I can and will work on being stronger, fitter and healthier through nutrition and exercise, but I, Priscilla, am so much more than my physical body. I am worthy of the happiest life ever through a complete lifestyle change (AND SO ARE ALL OF YOU!).

No Turning Back!!

Hi, guys! WHERE DO I BEGIN? It's impossible to fill you in on my 27-year-history with food and weight all in one post, but luckily I don't have to! I'll dive in now and by the end of this journey. I promise you'll know a lot more about me. Here are the basics: I'm a single mother of an 8 year old, and well, a lot's changed in a year. I've gained about 40lbs, and have encountered some major health issues.  I have developed the first stage of cervical cancer the good news is I can reverse it with exercise and nutrition! So instead of tackling this battle privately-and unsuccessfully-like I have for the past year, I've decided its time to open up about it. No more hiding!
So you're probably wondering: How much do I weigh? When I tell you I've gained 40lbs in a year, hopefully you'll understand why I'm not quite ready to reveal that s-c-a-r-y number. Is that terrible? The thing is, my weight issues are double-dipped in the year of self humiliation and I'm still working on coming to grips with the whole "Its just a number" thing. When did I gain the weight? So long ago honestly don't remember not being overweight. By the time 2008 approached, I flat-out hated my body. Since then, I've hated myself for hating my body, eaten to relieve some of that hatred, then hated myself more. How's that for a fat trap?
As for my commitment to finally get a grip: My health is what has brought me here;
So this isn't just a resolution to trade in my size 14 skirts in for size-6 jeans (although, yes, that is part of what I'm hoping for!); its a decision to trade self-loathing in for self-loving. I think I'm beautiful :), however, I want to be HEALTHY. 
While I haven't decided my exact goal weight, I know one thing for sure: I want to walk a little taller, feel a little stronger and love my body a lot more! I know I'll need all of your support, and I hope that I can inspire you guys a little but, too!