Yes, the holidays were a difficult time to stay on track, but now that they're over...I know for sure that what's happening with me is more than a case of too many chocolates,cheesecake,pumpkin pie,carrot cake and home cooking. Since I'm finally able to say it out loud—food and sugar is an addiction, and it's certainly mine—I know there is no cure for it the way there is no cure for alcoholism.
Addictions aren't cured; they're managed one day at a time. Last year (and I can't pinpoint the exact month, but I could feel it happening especially sometime over the last couple of months) I lost the mindfulness it takes to manage my addiction, and since then, things have been spiraling out of control. I'm finding that I binge because I'm bored… I don't know this place; I've never been here before.
The good news: I have an amazing trainer/life coach that WILL help me achieve my goals and help me with my "addiciton".For the first time in my life, I can say with certainty that I know be in the best shape of my life (and maintain the weight I want to lose) because I've honestly hit rock bottom, and I'm ready to commit to a lifestyle change. I can do it ! I need emotional support and I need a plan—a food plan, an exercise plan, and support.
For the past week I've woken up every day determined to start over, to "do better," and every day I have not been able to—I cave to something (like chocolate or a pastry) and then it all goes downhill all over again. But why wouldn't it take a few attempts before I am able to stick to something that demands I give up my biggest comfort: food? Maybe with a little forgiveness for all my failed attempts, self-love will replace self-medicating (with food) the way it started years ago, when I was in the best shape of my life.
One thing I know I need to do soon (as in TODAY! No procrastinating, Priscilla!) is be persistent with my food log, and blog religiously. I will do that, and I will share it with all of you.The other thing I need to do is remind myself that I am more than my body, and I don't need to hide out or feel ashamed because my physical body isn't as "beautiful" as I know it can be. This separation of "I" from "my body" is one of the hardest things for me, since for all my life the mirror has always been the biggest reflection of my self-worth. I read the following "happiness tip" by Eckhart Tolle online this morning, and I swear he wrote this for me
"Equating the physical body with "I," the body that is destined to grow old, wither, and die, always leads to suffering. To refrain from identifying with the body doesn't mean that you no longer care for it. If it is strong, beautiful, or vigorous, you can appreciate those attributes—while they last. You can also improve the body's condition through nutrition and exercise. If you don't equate the body with who you are, when beauty fades, vigor diminishes, or the body becomes incapacitated, this will not affect your sense of worth or identity in any way. In fact, as the body begins to weaken, the light of consciousness can shine more easily."
I TOTALLY needed the reminder: Yes, I can and will work on being stronger, fitter and healthier through nutrition and exercise, but I, Priscilla, am so much more than my physical body. I am worthy of the happiest life ever through a complete lifestyle change (AND SO ARE ALL OF YOU!).
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